sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
