maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
