everyone is single if you try hard enough
i wish my penis had a tongue
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
PANTIES FOUND
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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