Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize