I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize