I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
