on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
whose ass print is on the piano?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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