I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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