At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
