I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
