I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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