A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize