I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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