just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
