Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
