I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Randomize
