i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
