Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
