I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
