So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Randomize
