Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
There r osticjed everywhere
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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