Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Randomize