Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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