my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
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