i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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