According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
