I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
