do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Dicks are not precious.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
