organizing the empties. That sober.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize