Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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