come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
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