When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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