You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
