I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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