Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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