I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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