You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
