I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Randomize
