I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
