Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
