I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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