the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
