Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
