Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
