did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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