[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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