I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
