She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
