Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
