he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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