um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize