You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
it hurts more in the daytime
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
