even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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