i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
