There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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