I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
