It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
