I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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