I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
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