I only kidnapped one of them. chill
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
not ubering you a puppy
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
