Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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